It’s safe to say that I am currently on a journey. Actually, I’ve been on this journey for a while. I’m not exactly sure where I’m headed but I’d like to think it’s somewhere filled with greatness. The past month has been different for me. It’s been particularly tough. I’ve been going through hell of some sorts. I don’t mind going through hell because normally I experience an important breakthrough right after hell. What kills me is the brief moment you experience hell. The moment your heart is breaking and there’s not much you can do about it. The moment you feel as if there’s no hope and no one can do anything to help you. The moment you feel so down and defeated and don’t know what do about it. This is the worst feeling you can possibly have. The feeling where anything seems better that the moment you are experiencing. The brief moment whereby you are in pain; pain so great you can’t explain or share with another human being. I’m not really sure where I was going with this post. I begun writing it yesterday then got distracted; life happens. I had to go live life for a brief moment but I’m back now. I had a story that inspired something in me. I think it was more of an experience that I was going to make into a story. I have been going through a rather tough time lately. It’s been hard on me and has made it difficult for me to cope. However, I am grateful for the experience. I have been quite uncomfortable. I like being uncomfortable and hate it at the same time. It’s a love hate relationship (obviously). I like being comfortable, it’s nice, it’s cushy and everything goes well. What I don’t like is being comfortable. When I’m comfortable means I’m accustomed to a particular person, way of life or situation. Being comfortable causes me to be complacent. This could be good but I don’t necessarily find it to be a good thing. Complacency is the mother of all evil; it stifles growth. I’m 22 and one thing I believe in is growth. I do believe as human beings we are meant to constantly learn and grow. This is who we are meant to be, learners. I wouldn’t mind achieving a balance between being comfortable and maintaining my enthusiasm for learning. Being uncomfortable forces me to leave my comfort zone and immerse myself into something new. I believe that when we are uncomfortable we have a no choice but to move (unless you get accustomed to being uncomfortable, then I believe you have achieved the nirvana of comfort ability), when you move you get better, getting better means you’re learning. I don’t like being comfortable and neither do I like being uncomfortable because, well it’s uncomfortable. I have been in an uncomfortable situation for the past month. I was not expecting to experience this and this is why it took me by surprise and why it hurt immensely. I suppose I got too comfortable and wasn’t ready to be uncomfortable. Normally when I get uncomfortable it’s for a reason. This is a way for the world to communicate to me. The world is trying to tell me something and I need to be open to receiving, learning and getting better. I’m not sure exactly what the universe is trying to communicate to me but I am now open to receiving and learning. I’m in a place where my heart is open and ready to receive, minimal resistance, openness to the universe. I suppose the point of the story was this; don’t get too comfortable in your current situation, getting too comfortable will cause you to be resistant to change, be open to change (change is good at least that’s what they say). Dammit don’t get too comfortable.
Just because you have problems or experiencing a rather difficult situation does not mean you put everything at a standstill in order to take care of the problem. I understand that we sometime may need to take time to think about the situation in order to put everything into perspective. This however does not mean that you should use this to evade everything else going on in life. Problems never cease to exist in life. Problems only get worse; we get better at solving problems. I believe that we play a part in creating the problems we experience. If you do not like the problems that you have then you actively do something to change your situation in order to encounter different problems. You cannot cease to have problems. Learn how to efficiently solve them.
I always say I’ll write more but never do. One of the reasons is I don’t think I have anything exciting to write. Maybe it’s because I;m always counting on something grand so I may write about it. Well, now I realize if I hope to write grand stories then my writing days are going to be far and few between. My solution to this is to write about the daily things I experience in life. Sometime this may be boring or not that interesting but I will write, which is what matters.
My days are usually similar simply because I’m a creature of habit. I’ve in class for the past week-part of a mandatory training for my job. I must admit I’ve developed a love hate relationship with this class, just as I have with school. I like that I don’t have to do any tedious chores, just sit and listen to the instructors. I don’t like that I have to take exams, why cant the teacher just have faith that i’ve mastered what he’s trying to convey? It bothers me that the instructor has control over the schedule of the class. Being in class makes me nostalgic but also excites me about the future.
I’ve decided to add a list of some things that make my life what it is and share.
What I’m currently reading; Sh*t My Dad Says. I just started reading this book and I’m loving it. It’s laugh out loud funny. Reading this book puts a smile on my face, makes my day better.
Currently watching; The Good Wife. I just started watching season five. I begun watching this show out of boredom. I’ve watched the past four seasons within the last month and I like the show. The show is set in a law firm in Chicago. The characters in the show are all different and have something different to offer.
What I’m loving; I appreciate that I don’t have a car. I like that I don’t have to pump gas into a car with the ungodly weather.
What I’m grateful for; I wouldn’t ming a fireplace but since I don’t have one I’m appreciative for my space heater. Its a life saver. It makes the long nights bearable and my lone time more enjoyable.
Its been a while since I wrote anything on here. Shame on me. In my head I always have this grand plan as to how I’m gonna start writing and keep at it on a regular basis, just how I always plan on going to the gym and becoming a health-nut but this is all yet to happen. I always have great ideas in my head, all I gotta do is make them a reality.
I really have nothing specific to write about, I just want to write. Figured I should just write, since they say a bad workout is the one you never did so same should apply to writing, if that makes any sense. Seems like most of the time i write, it has something to do with me reminiscing about the past or looking forward to the future. I find this a bit pathetic since I credit myself to always being about Carpe Diem.
I’ve recently been toying around with the idea of being in a relationship. This is weird since I’ve always been anti-relationship. I’m almost proud of myself because this could mean that perhaps I’m growing up (the subject of my growing up is debatable). This obviously led me to thinking about my past relationships, not necessarily the relationships I had or didn’t have but everything including what was exampled to me in my life. Looking at this made me realize what I’ve seen and experienced is definitely not what I’d like to experience anymore. I need to learn different and do different. All my so called not-relationships have been different. I’ve learned over time and experience to get better and be better. Its been a learning experienced and I’ve learned the hard way and made some absolutely stupid mistakes. I’m almost sure that I’ll keep on making more mistakes, all I want is to not make life altering mistakes and get better from the ones I make in order to do different. I’d like to think I get wiser with time but I’m not sure how true this is, only time could tell. I surely do hope that with time I grow into the woman I want to be, whoever that is.
I’m just a simple person. I want to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I want to experience what life has to offer and have the best of it. I’m pretty sure thats what everyone says but I’m saying it as well. I just want to be me. I want to love and live life. I want to give and receive love. I want to experience the simple pleasures of life. I want to be happy. I want to do what makes me happy. I want to make the world a happier place.
So I recently did a guest post on a blog. The post was about my twenty-something life. I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to write but when i started writing, words just kept flowing and here’s the result
Just like every teenager, I was excited to ditch my teenage hood and welcome my twenties. I had the perfect picture as to how my life was going to shape out, but that’s not how everything turned out. Well technically my twenty something experience begun after high school, I say this because this is when my quarter life crisis begun. Just like everyone else that I knew that had just graduated high school in the spring, we were all excited to move on to college. College meant finally moving out of your parents house and moving to a place where it would take your parents at least two days worth of travel to visit.
My last year of year of high school, I was in a serious relationship, my last serious relationship to this date. Back then I was dating just because I could. Dating for me was like a fashion trend. I did it simply because everyone else did it. The summer between college and high school is when everyone was excited about college, preparing for the big move and enjoying the last summer before everything changes, at least that’s what we thought. While everyone was busy planning their life I was busy trying to keep a relationship (how stupid was I). Unfortunately this is what I did all summer till fall rolled around and reality hit me. It was August and I hadn’t enrolled in classes yet. My plan was to major in business, since at the time I was convinced that I would be a very successful businesswoman. I had been accepted to college but hadn’t yet enrolled in classes. This is when I realized that I had my priorities all messed up and decided to end the relationship. I was quite upset at myself for not having everything ready and for entertaining a derailing relationship for the better part of high school. Since it was already too late for me to join school for the fall semester I decided to work then start school following semester.
Did I mention all the while I was still living with my parents? Well my mom being the traditional Kenyan mother, she was convinced that me studying business was setting myself up for failure. She had this twisted belief that if I majored in business I would somehow end up being a manager at McDonalds for the rest of my life (btw I worked at McDonalds two years during high school). She took it upon herself to convince me to change my major and study nursing since that was a sure way to getting rich someday while still maintaining a flashy lifestyle. Being the respectful daughter that I was I decided to oblige and study nursing. I changed schools from the uni I was previously supposed to attend to a community college (two year college). According to my mothers plan it was best that I receive a 2-year nursing degree, this way I could begin working immediately, be able to support myself while working on my bachelors degree then thereafter my masters degree. Since I was going to major in nursing I suppose I might as well as do it her way. I took nursing classes for a year. I hated all the classes. The only class I enjoyed was English class. I despised going to community college. I hated everything about it. In my opinion community college is an extension of high school, the classes did not challenge me, which led me to skip any class I didn’t need to attend, so I only went to mandatory classes or during exam days. After going to community college for a year I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. My heart wasn’t in nursing and I would be damned if I had to set foot in another community college. I decided I’d change my major to something I was passionate about, something I would do and wouldn’t mind if I got paid or not. I would change schools and go to a school in a different city from my parent’s house in order to concentrate in what I wanted to do and accomplish. Seeing that I had a plan you’d think it would be an easy transition. I began researching schools and what they had to offer. I was extremely confused as to what major would equate to my passion. That was the challenge; I didn’t know my passion. At this point I believed the only way I could be happy is to do something that makes me happy, so I refused to settle for just any major in school. I would have enrolled as an undecided major but my decision to move to a school in a different city would have more than likely caused me to use student loans to pay for school. I did not want to use student loans while being undecided and unsure, didn’t think that was a smart move.
Everything from completing high school to changing my major and now being undecided had happened in the course of two years. I was now 20 and confused about life. I decided to not worry and apply for schools, have fun for the summer and maybe I’ll figure it out before the fall comes through. I quit my job (I was tired of the same ol stuff and wanted to experience something new). I’d been working the same job for the last two years, that’s since end of high school and prior to that I’d worked at McDonalds while in high school.
Between school and work, I’d never really had time to hang out or do things outside of my norm. This summer was different; I had no school or work. This was party time for me. I travelled back and forth between home and different party scenes, mostly college towns where they partied any waking day, partying all week and weekend. I enjoyed this, it was different and fun while it lasted. I experienced everything from house parties that led into orgies, to clubbing, bar hopping, to chill smoke sessions. I also met so many different people from club promoters, to djs, to regular hardworking students who inspired me, to dealers who to my suprise happened to be really smart. I experienced lots of stuff that I would otherwise have not experienced if I hadn’t quit my job and lived in the moment. This is also when I dated some of the best people I’ve dated so far. They were all so different yet great individuals who I learned so much from.
Every good thing comes to an end. Fall came by faster than expected. Yet again I was undecided as to what I wanted to major in. The summer was fun but I knew I couldn’t lead that life for too long. By this time I was broke and my mother suspected that I either had a sugar daddy or was a prostitute, she couldn’t figure out how I went all summer without a job. Lemmie just say I had funds saved up from previous work and maxed out credit cards. Soon as I started looking for work, I managed to score a job working at a trendy clothing store. I was excited about this!! I still had school to figure out. With the way things were going I knew I wasn’t going to make it in time for fall semester. I liked fashion, beauty, writing and religion but I was scared of pursuing neither of those as a career option. Time was flying, everyone who’d graduated high school same year as I was halfway done with college and I was still trying to figure out what to study. I had to do something about this. I had to make a choice that I thought would benefit my life in multiple ways. I once again decided to do something drastic in light of my problem. I joined the US army.
I had multiple reasons for joining the army. I thought that was the best option at the time. Was that the right decision to make? I still don’t have the answer to this question but given the options I had it was the better choice. Well, I went to boot camp and all the required training. Currently I’m still in the army. This is where I am wright now. My twenty-something story is still incomplete since I’m still living it. I’m twenty-one turning twenty-two next month. I still haven’t solved my quarter life crisis but I believe I’m heading the right direction; most importantly I’m having fun in my quest of doing so. I’ve experienced and learned so much about life and about myself through my experience.
Through my journey I’ve learned that you cant plan your perfect life. When I came to this world I did not come with a blue print as to how I’m supposed to live my life. This is my life and I choose how it will turn out. I’ve learned that I’m different and don’t have to succumb to society’s definition of success. Life is an interesting journey, I learn and grow through all the choices and mistakes I make but I have fun while doing so. I’m excited to see what life has to offer and what life has in store for me. I went against the norm and what was expected of me. I choose to color outside the box. Break outside the box and live an unsheltered life. Life has so much to offer. Live life in abundance. Most importantly be happy and live in joy.
Thinking about my quarter life crisis or what I used to think of my life. Honestly I have no sense of direction right now and I’m not quite worried about it. I’m not sure when I’m going back to college, not sure what I’m gonna study when I go back or what school I’m going to. Normally this would terrify me but at the moment it doesn’t. I’m okay with being in the army and living by the moment. Actually I don’t know how long I want to be in the military but that doesn’t worry me either. I gotta say I love living life by the moment, not worrying about what tomorrow brings. I should enjoy this before I have a life whereby I have to worry about everything. Anyway I’ve been in Arizona for almost four months and I’m ready to leave. One thing I’ll miss is the weather and the view. Its beautiful. I’ll also miss the people here. When u live with certain people and get to share every aspect of your life with them for four months you kind of just get attached. I’ll be leaving in a lil bit less than three weeks and I’m excited for it. I’ll miss hanging out by the pool and doing absolutely nothing productive (btw this is the first time in my life wearing a 2 piece, so proud of me…I’m enjoying this too much). I wont miss waking u at four in the morning, or running in the high altitude. I wont miss living under strict rules but I will miss breaking them. I wont miss being class all day but ill miss sitting on my ass all day. I like Arizona enough to want to experience it in my own terms in the future. I definitely will be visiting soon. I’m getting comfortable in my own skin and getting to know myself more by the day. I love where my life is going, I don’t know where its going but I’m positive it’s heading towards a great direction. This has been fun but i’m ready to move on to the next chapter. A bit anxious about this but I’m excited to experience it all.
You know that feeling when you love someone but they just don’t love you back? When u want something but can never seem to get it? When you work so hard at something but never seem to be good enough? It’s a very discouraging feeling. Throws your life off track, makes you want to give up on life, love or your goals. Right now in this moment this is what im experiencing. Not quite sure how to deal. I’m not used to dealing with such types of problems (yeah, I did break my shoulder while patting myself on the back). At least I identified my inadequacy, second step is to solve my problem. Only if I knew where to begin. Its friday, one of my fave days of the week, but I don’t want to do anything simply cuz of the down and under feeling I have. I see why I sometime tend to be stoic. When u care about something, you open opportunities for disappointment. As always I wasnt quite sure where I was going with this but writing makes me a better person, and makes everything better, so I just do it. But I think I learned something from this situation, that’s all that matters. Anyway I’m gonna do different and be better from this, ill try following this list that I came up with;
- I’m going to be precise about what it is that I want out of every (well almost) situation I encounter
- Wont settle for less than im worth
- will have fun and not take things too seriously
- Laugh and try to smile more
- Be more of a go-getter
- Carpe Diem
Think that’s all I can come up with for now. Seeing that its past mid year, its only fair that I review my new years resolution. Honestly I cant quite remember them. I’ll look them over and se if I was successful at any of it. I’ve been thinking about my online presence and future of my blog (lol), and I want to do something about this. I plan on incorporating my blog into part of my daily life, have some random suggestion. Some ideas include; coming up in August, have a photo challenge, a photo a day, post a random photo about any part of my life. This will be interesting, lets see f I actually get to stick with it. September is my birthday month and I figured I should do something special, a blog a day, that’s the challenge. Write 30 blog posts in the month of september. Not sure if this is feasible but we’ll soon find out. I’ve also been working on a list as well; 23 before 23, more of a bucket list to accomplish within the 365 days that I’ll be 22 before turning 23. We’ll see how this all turns out, hopefully not disappointing. I’m usually in class about 8 hours a day five days a week and when I get bored I think of such stuff, I also write posts that never make it on here (I get lazy too). Hope I’ll be just as proactive about this when I’m done with classes in August, as I am right now.